The Bad, The Worse, The Mourinho - The Manchester United Shit Show

A little introduction about me. I have been a Manchester United fan for as long as I can imagine. I have seen the riches, I have seen few lows and now I am just watching my favourite team being downright bad.

Those who know me, know that I have been very cynical when it comes to United and have been harping the same tune since the latter years of the great Sir Alex Ferguson that “The problems at United run much deeper than just the first team”.

Why you ask?

Because the evidence has been there since some time for it was only the brilliance of Sir Alex that was putting a band-aid over the shit show being run by the Glazers.

No, this is not going to be a well-worded article that contains a lot of tactical and numerical evidence because honestly, you get that enough on the internet and it seems to have no effect on most.

No, this is not going to be a rowdy rant where I just spew garbage because I saw my team lose to Fat Frank’s Derby County.

This is going to be a reality check for a lot of people who have either turned a blind eye to a lot of issues at the club or who are the chest thumping GGMU fans who believe that saying anything against the club, its operations or its manager is blasphemy. You know who you are, you stupid fucking dimwit cunts.

Yay! GGMU! GGMU!

It’ll be short because if I get into details, this will never end.

The Bad

Let’s start with the basics, Manchester United is not a good football team. It hasn’t been since the last 2-3 years of Sir Alex Ferguson. He was a magician who elevated players beyond their capabilities. The man knew the Premier League like no other. We had good players but we weren’t dominating like we used to and well other teams had basically caught up with their purchases. Erm…City and Chelsea primarily.

But since the legend retired, WE HAVE BEEN BAD. “No shit Sherlock!” You say? Yet, you get your hopes high after each good result or a managerial change.

Youth

Marcus Rashford is probably the only talented academy product in the first team right now. No one else made it and please Scott McTominay is no Darren Fletcher so don’t even try thinking of his name.

Our U23s got relegated and our youth structure has been behind City’s and Chelsea’s for years. Doesn’t matter if players don’t get a chance in the first team, we have no one to give a chance to so we pick up randoms and put them on the pitch.

Our U18s were brilliant last season and they will probably come good, hopefully. I genuinely have high hopes there.

The facilities at City are so great and probably the best in the world. Chelsea is like what…4-5 times FA Youth Cup Winner? We won it when Pogba, Lingard and Ravel Morrison were in our youth academy. Since then we’ve become gobshite, Pogba went to Juve, has come back and will probably be leaving again. Lingard has grown up in age but still likes to behave like a youth product. Who is Ravel Morrison?

Lol someone got cropped there

       

                                                      Lol someone got cropped there

Managerial Appointments

David Moyes set us back 150 years. No joke there! The clown is still beating his chest about being a top coach when he’s probably lost 50 jobs after the United stint. Is United still paying him his severance package? He signed Fellaini. Doesn’t matter if he was made to sign or had no choice because no one wanted to play for him.

Let’s all agree that if nothing else, Louis van Gaal was a great entertainer? I mean, the man got drunk on wine at our end of the season award ceremony and went mad on the stage! We go again! But he made us better. Sure, the football didn’t improve a whole lot, we were mostly boring and signings didn’t really work but we kicked some ass in some matches. We won a lot of the “big matches” because the guy could coach tactics in exchange for wine. Who knew that all it took for big Louis to get United to win was just expensive wine. Ed Woodward knew but the fucker didn’t do anything about it. How about you get a fucking sponsorship from Louis’ favourite wine company, Ed. That would’ve surely made us win every match. Jokes apart, he won us the FA Cup and his time was up. Simple.

What it could have been?

What it actually was!

So just to summarize: 

Whenever a new manager walks in at United

The worse

Recruitment

Such a shit show here. Doesn’t matter if you are Manchester United and can attract the best players if they can’t string 2 passes together or give a damn about the jersey they are wearing or get along with the manager or a million other reasons why most of our signings haven’t worked out.

Di Maria! I mean that guy is world class but lol! He ended up being binned quicker than the rotten bag of tomatoes in my fridge.

Di Maria changing clubs like

I went really happy when we signed Schweinsteiger and Schneiderlin; but well…It still hurts

We are recruiting people based not on our needs but on how many shirts they will sell. Our scouting system has been piss poor. If you don’t believe me, invest some time in doing research on Google. It just completed 20 years! Thanks to the great search engine, you can research all this by yourself. Do that you lazy bum!

We refused to spend money on agent fees earlier under Sir Alex and missed out some gems like Eden Hazard (World Class player, don’t you dare deny that), Moura (Ripped us a new one at OT) even Silva (yes, him too I think) and I don’t know how many more. That really fucked us over since all we do now is throw money at the problems.

The constant shit tactics from the managers and their constant dismissals also haven't helped since a lot of our First XI still is from the Ferguson era.

Also, Lukaku is a donkey who is not a clinical striker and has cost us points this season. He is a form player and shouldn’t be the ONLY striker at Manchester United. He has improved and is a decent player but not the clinical striker that is tucking away 75% of his chances. But that’s another long essay in itself. The squad analysis. But Lukaku has made me lose my shit this season, so he deserves a special mention.

Deadwood

That brings us to one of the biggest issues at Manchester United. Deadwood. Imagine still having Smalling, Jones, Valencia, Young, Fellaini, Darmian, Mata, Rojo at the club. We have had so many transfer windows to start clearing the deadwood but that hasn’t happened because we have been “recruiting”. Now it’s at the stage where most of these players are overpaid and form a core part of the starting XI. These aren’t winners. Sure, some of them have given their best for the club and continue to do so, but they aren’t Manchester United quality or they simply haven’t lived up to the potential. It’s time to bin them so that new players can come in. But guess what, no one wants to buy these fuckers too! So, might as well sit and earn money at Manchester United.

The transfer strategy at United is so fucked.

My reaction to seeing all this deadwood

So while all this was happening at United, teams like City and Liverpool were getting stronger with good managerial appointments and smart recruiting. Because of Moyes, we fell so back that even a clueless Chelsea continued to remain infront of us. Mind you, they’ve done some brilliant transfer business in terms of selling and have won a more recent PL title than us and have Sarri now. Spurs are a good team finally after years of claiming the same and Emery will do something at Arsenal.

Summary – Everyone got better and we continued to suck or just got worse. 

The Glazers and Ed Woodward

Where do I even start!? Damn! Okay!

Ed Woodward is good for Manchester United as a businessman and as a CEO but not as a “person” who understands anything related to football. Clearly whatever he has tried has not come off till now so why pretend. Just get in a Director of Football man! No, not as your puppet but as your footballing equal. Someone who knows the sport and how its run and can make Manchester United run properly as a big football club should (which it very easily can).

The Glazers are money hungry assholes who are reaping rewards for their Golden Egg which makes them so much money that they can allow us to finally throw money at our problems without much care. They’ve taken out more than £1m (reported back in 2015) from Manchester United. Imagine if this club had all this money or were using its money wisely since long before Sir Alex’s retirement, we’d be kings! Untouchable or just for a very realistic prediction – at least not shit like we are now.

Hope we get a Director of Football and the board can figure their shit out.

The bastards don't even deserve a picture in their section. It shall remain lifeless, exactly how they've made our club to be. 

The Mourinho

This has not been the instant winning appointment that the board hoped for and the fans yearned. It was a marriage of convenience and it seems to have run its course.

It all started out with 2 trophies and very good recruitments followed by a decent second season with a second-place finish behind City’s freakish 100-point season. This followed a summer of conflict but what it also came to be was the feared “Mourinho’s 3^rd season meltdown”.

It’s just started but the signs are all there. I will just list out the problems and how shrewd Mourinho is. Point to note is that I have always hated Mourinho and never thought he was the right pick for the job. But fine, he got us 1-2 trophies and decent signings but then again; have we really progressed? Here is something I wrote about "why can’t anyone seem to fix United" (This is a well-worded article from 2 years back and it still holds true).

After almost 3 years with the squad, he doesn’t know his best XI. He doesn’t have a defined style for the team to play. The team is disjointed. There is clear unrest among with dressing room. (I am sure most of you know of the Pogba vs Mourinho drama)

He has publicly called out so many players and never accepted blame for defeats. He has called the attitude of players into question, but isn’t it down to the manager to motivate them and sort that out? Teams like Wolves and Derby outplay us on the football pitch. The tactics are just a joke. We are still lumping it to Fellaini. I’d love someone like Fellaini to be a part of the squad but the point is that we end up relying on him in most matches just like we did against the championship side Derby County.

He has talents like Martial and Rashford and they need to be playing and coached to progress, but no let’s call them out or don’t play them.

His favouritism is so apparent. A lot of his favourites perform shit and continue to be in the team while others play once in 10 matches make a mistake and never play again.

He wants to sign proven players i.e. old players and that would work had his previous signings not flunked and the team was where it’s supposed to be. He got one in Alexis Sanchez who looks a shadow of the player he was at Arsenal.  

He openly flirted with PSG to get a contract extension at United. This has happened to him at Madrid and Chelsea. What’s the common denominator? Mourinho.

He likes conflict and thrives on it but his tactics are outdated and football has moved on from the time when you could just “show your balls on the pitch and chase everything down” and win. Elite coaches want that and tactics to take the team forward. No wonder Guardiola has schooled Mourinho for most of their meetings.

As for the Pogba vs Mourinho debate. Both of them can fuck off from the club if they think they are bigger than the club. I agree, the manager has to be the top dog but that doesn’t mean you just fuck around with your top players just for the sake of it. Same goes for Pogba. Just because you don't like certain things and have a dick of an agent, you don't keep flirting with other clubs. 

United's press officer (John) is the biggest snitch we know 

Pogba has been fuelling speculation and it’s not like he has performed consistently for United till now so can too shut the fuck up. But I believe, he can still be part of the solution at Manchester United but if not, please leave. If he wants to continue looking elsewhere while playing for United, he can get his haircuts done elsewhere. No one wants his drama either. Ego clashes like this aren’t warranted especially when things are already downhill at your club, Mourinho should get that and Pogba should understand too.

Mourinho is poison who will continue to bring down the club and everyone with it. He was smart after the summer. He was moping throughout the summer, but just as the season started and he realized that he has pissed the board off; he became all happy and nice. Even being good to Pogba. He realized that he needed to get the fans on his side. So he started with his 10 min clapping sessions at the away end. Brainwashed the fans into believing things will change. But they never do with Mourinho. He wanted to make it a Mourinho vs the world situation so that fans follow him and he did.

If he stays at the club, things will not improve. Players like David de Gea will leave. Some of our greatest talents will leave and will be left behind other teams.

The fans of Manchester United are so desperate right now that any glimmer of hope, they turn to that without thinking objectively. No, I am not better and I do the same. But this has been a long time coming and it just scrapes the surface of the problems at Manchester United.

What should be done?

I am no expert and I am sure the club can figure this out.

But in the best-case scenario for me: The club appoints a Director of Football and we rebuild this beautiful club for the next 3-4 years. Yes, patience is required something I don’t think the Glazers or fans can afford. I am not saying finish 8^th. Klopp finished 8^th,8^th and 4^th right? But what a team right now and Liverpool isn’t as big as United and well United aren’t as fucked as Liverpool were. Klopp signed a six-year deal when he joined and convinced the owners he had a plan and he is executing it currently with the world watching in awe.

I am not saying be like Liverpool. Ew. Just to give you guys perspective. Get a man with a vision and someone who isn’t trying to suck his own cock all the time. RESPECT. 3. RESPECT (Hope you get the reference)

Clear the deadwood, revitalize the youth structure, bring the scouting system up to date, get behind the new manager, kick out problem causing players who can’t respect the club and bring back the greatest club England has ever seen back to being among the best in Europe.

Ideal situation:
I would just sack Mourinho and rid the toxicity. Give it to Carras or whoever the fuck can be decent till the end of the season. Salvage the season as much as possible. In the back end, work on hiring a top quality Director of Football. Get him/her on board and then start revitalizing the scouting system, start planning for academy improvement and sounding out possible managers for next season.

Get the new manager on board or at least decide early so that the work on transfers can begin early. Then when the summer finally comes and the manager if officially on board, he has something to finally work with. Things are ready and a little structure is ready. Continue building the backend and work with the new manager who probably has a 3-4 year plan (as mentioned above) with complete seriousness.

Love you if you made it till here and agree with me. Fuck you if you made it till here and disagree. What an idiot. 

In hindsight, it may just be a rant!

TL:DR version: The problems at Manchester United are more than just Mourinho or Woodward. It is a combination of multiple things that are structurally wrong at United. The 'club' needs a rebuild and that will take time. Time which you don't get today. So, it might all be fucked. Let's hope for the best.

ONE HELL OF A DREAM?

Well I wish I was high when it happened to me but it was not the case, I was bored out of my mind and kind of sleepy, and then suddenly I went into a 'limbo' state or I think I just dozed off but doesn't 'limbo' sound cool? What I saw was unreal and actually kind of majestic and I am writing what I saw, felt and remember from the experience. I hope such a day never comes though. So here it goes friends.

It was almost as if I was present there not as myself but as a player in the dressing room of Old Trafford, getting ready for the Champions League final against Barcelona as a Manchester United player. My home ground hosts the final and I am right there to win it. I don't really remember if a name was mentioned for me but anyways, there it was the magical night. Old Trafford was overflowing with hopes and anxiety and it was like RED had taken all over. The great Barcelona side had come to our home ground to try and beat us the third time and take the cup away from us when we're so close. But all this felt incredibly okay until Carlos Queiroz walked in telling the players to stand up and gather around cause "THE BOSS" was here. By the way , yes it was Carlos Queiroz and not Mike Phelan cause I am not really a fan of MP being our Assistant coach and I would rather have Carlos back. The man was obviously brilliant and helped SAF a lot with European tactics especially. Yes yes, moving on there he was, SIR ALEX FERGUSON  standing in a black blazer with a white shirt and a black pant with a RED UNITED tie looking all calm and composed. He gathered us around and said :

( I DO NOT REMEMBER ALL OF IT BUT HERE IT GOES )

                                                I bet all you United fans remember this?



" Media has said a lot about me retiring every other year but now they're used to me outwitting them all the time but today , I am telling you that this is my final match as the United boss. And I had to tell you before you lads go out and conquer that great Barcelona side and rip them to shreds cause you deserve it. I have prepared you guys for a week and have tried my best to teach you well the methods I have mapped out for us to win. Play your game and you will win, play their's and you will lose the third time in a final. But I have a request as you are my final team. I have been lucky enough to work with some of the premier league's or rather world's best players and young talents, the ride has not been easy. Lads are tough .And as I got older , I think I did get a little softer and well you know the money wanking agents came into it. My word, what bullshit. This is my good bye to you, my final words to you before a match. Tonight is special, the final and the trophy with the big ears in our own backyard. WIN IT ! Don't let the Spanish win tonight cause I am telling you , you are better than them. Play for the parents who got you here, play for the fans who supported you, play for the team, play to win, play to please, play with heart, play with commitment . I think you're all experienced lads to know it all, but today I have a request, I have never in any one of my speeches before a match during half time have not said this, but tonight is different and I feel a bit selfish. Play for me. I may not be the most important person in your life but I hope you can do this for me. Win it for everyone, win it for me! Cause I just don't want to lose tonight, it's not because I am retiring. It's just that I don't want to lose. When you step out, just remember every word I have said for the past week and now and you shall get through with ease. Play for the man who helped you get here, play for the coaching staff, I stand here with all of you grown young men and I salute you for giving me such a wonderful last year at United. We're already the "The Champions of England" , let's win the lot and go and celebrate. I'd go easy on you too this time. You have been amazing and I am honoured to coach you but tonight just do me the favour of kicking their arses right out of this ground and back to the god forsaken plane cause I just can't bloody hell lose today especially with you lot standing with me. I, Alex Ferguson stand here with all my experience and pride, wish you luck like a man, want you to win like a fan, know that you will win like a father, want to hold that trophy like a happy coach, hug you all and celebrate like fuckin' there is no tomorrow. Red wine and champagne  only though. Good luck boys, until next time..... " He walks and everyone looks fucking pumped and ready to win. :') NO ONE WILL LOSE AFTER SUCH A SPEECH.

Well I don't really know what it was . There was more to it, and it's not exactly as it is. It sounded way cooler in the dressing room and with SAF's Scottish accent and surprisingly I understood it all too. Maybe I was British xD. I woke up with goosebumps. I hope he never leaves but fuck I bet the lads won the match and got him the trophy he desired. Sad, I woke up before all the booze came out. This is written just as a fan and in no way to please anyone :) . SAF makes everything so cool . As he said " Football, Bloody Hell!"

Cleverley - Replacement for Scholes or not?

Paul Scholes, regarded as one of the best midfielders of his generation with the likes of ALMOST EVERYONE acknowledging it. Manchester United were lucky to be served by a player of such talent for such a long time . He single handedly controls the tempo of games even now, when he's turned 37. The latest example being against the away game against Southampton, he came and BOOM, changed the game and well you know the rest. United started controlling the game more and then obviously the two goals came . He may not be bursting into the box as he used to or have that pace but he still has the brain and the eyes at the back of his head to go along with that, to make impossible long range passes and short passes and still keep the possession with Manchester United and his unreal pass accuracy around 95% on general.

Manchester United always knew that replacing him in that central midfield would be a tough task and judging by United's current weaknesses being exploited by teams and well getting him out of retirement clearly showed that maybe he is irreplaceable. Well, one can look at Xavi and Iniesta and say that they come close, but they are too very different , mostly playing short incisive passes and well the "new kid" Joe Allen is a Liverpool player, a United fan and a Scholes lover. He is definitely good with the ball and will grow into a very good midfielder for Wales, probably when he starts with the long balls too. But what United fans want to hear is that they HAVE a replacement for him. Tom Cleverley is the name that is sprung up .

Maybe, if he hadn't been injured last season after starting the season in tremendous form, he could have developed even better. United fans will hope he does so this season and with his recent performances, especially for the England senior side, he seems a nice tidy player. He is definitely gifted with intelligence and after joining United at 12 has come through a very good talent enriching experience with the United setup of producing good quality players. He knows how to attack and keep the ball and the lad with surely learn with experience when to tackle, something even Paul Scholes never mastered.

Cleverley has pace,vision, talent and temperament . But would he be a replacement to Scholes is still to be seen. He would rather make his own mark than be pressurized with the increasing comparisons and expectations. Recently, Milner , Gerrard and Lampard have praised him and said that he would be an integral part of the England setup for the coming years. What I reckon is that Cleverley alone cannot fill the "SCHOLES VOID" but it has to be shared between him and Kagawa since United would be changing from their 4-4-2 formation as it can be seen with their recent matches. While Carrick would sit behind and break attacks and well Anderson needs to step up and show the quality for which United had signed him after 5 frustrating years at United individually. This is his make or break season.

Cleverley needs to remain injury free, make himself available for team selection and mature quickly. That is exactly what Sir Alex Ferguson would want. Shinji Kagwa , has already shown his brilliance in the final third of the field. A combination of both of them would be a formidable partnership. While Anderson and Carrick do the same. While the wingers would always be important to United's style of play, that being Young , Nani and Valencia while Welbeck is ineffective there and Sir Alex Ferguson needs to sort this out.

Without a doubt, he has a bright future infront of him and hopefully he stays clear of injuries and controversies to give the United faithful a new midfield maestro . As much as any United fan would like to see Scholes get younger with each passing day, but that is not the case.

So well Goodbye Scholes! Enter Tom Cleverley!

Ferguson Turning A Blind Eye To The “MIDFIELD PROBLEM”?

It is clearly known the midfield problems United have been facing especially to be seen last season when they were completely outplayed by Athletic Bilbao . Manchester United were over run by their cross – town rivals in Manchester City over the two league matches all because United don’t really have a proper box-to-box midfielder or what they call an “Imposing”  midfielder. Someone they  had in Roy Keane. Not exactly the creative artist, but he would give his life on the pitch, oppositions feared him. He would get that ball back even if that meant going into a dangerous tackle. He single-handedly inspired United to beat Juventus and get into the famous ’99 Champions League final.

Fergie worried about midfield

United lack that now. He was never really replaced. Everyone talks about Giggs and Scholes being replaced but along with them, a midfielder is needed who can really get into the opposition’s faces. The closest you get with the midfield United have is Darren Fletcher but for now it’s not sure when does he get back. Carrick is a brilliant player, but not one to “break” the plays or even the legs as in Roy Keane’s case.  The Monday night fixture against Everton was a perfect example, even though one can be led to believe that the new signings and players will take time to gel but yet, in the previous few seasons United have shown vulnerability in midfield.

Felliani showed exactly what United are lacking even though United was playing with Carrick in the centre of defense , but it can’t hide the fact that United were dominated by just one man – Felliani . Maybe instead of going for Robin Van Persie, Sir Alex Ferguson might’ve tried to get someone like Felliani or him itself for the midfield job. City have Yaya Toure, Chelsea have Mikel / Lampard who are decent while Arsenal had Song . Sir Alex Ferguson claims that he never had a defensive midfielder during his reign, well even if  Roy Keane was no defensive midfielder but he was a marshal that held the midfield together, a box-to-box and the perfect captain. Time and again Yaya Toure does it for City. Hate him or love him but Segio Busquets is amazing as a CDM/CM for Barcelona. One can even say that the entire burden of this position falls on Michael Carrick who can shine for United if someone else comes to share the burden.

United have shown great movement in the transfer market this summer , but well the recent names linked are Kaka and Mexico U-23 midfielder Hector Herrera who is a young unproven talent. Not much can be said what he’ll develop to be and United don’t really need Kaka.  His addition would definitely be welcomed, but United don’t really need him. The deal looks dead now due to the wage demands , yet UNITED NEED A MIDFIELD STRENGTHENING MIDFIELDER or just Carrick to suddenly become the man Sir Alex Ferguson and the fans want him to be.

Maybe United are moving towards a more fluent style of play, and eventually Carrick would come good. In any case, one can just wait to see what is on Sir Alex Ferguson’s mind.  We get to taste that this weekend itself, when United face Fulham at Old Trafford. Fulham scored 5 last weekend while United succumbed to Everton. This will be a good match even though Clint Dempsey might not feature due to his ongoing war against Fulham for a transfer to Liverpool.  No doubt United will look to make a point, after watching both City and Chelsea beat their opponents in style . Well, City got through in the end. Some United fans must be looking and Hazard and thinking why not him? Well, he is at Chelsea and United fans would just hope Kagawa and Persie fire United past Fulham and the “tired” Rooney and Nani too come good.